Fractured
by MCalhen
Summary: Before Sayoko Shiranagatani from Tsukiomi, there was another girl with the same name, but a different state of mind and instincts she longed to escape from. Oneshot about Sayoko's past. MANGA SPOILERS up to volume 12.


_Disclaimer: Square Enix, Eita Mizuno, and Kyo Shirodaira own Spiral. Oh, how I missed you, Square Enix, and writing your name in every disclaimer! (End sarcasm.) I have triumphed. Now, you only own about half of the things I love._

_Author's Note: Pre-amnesia Sayoko was a pain to write. I don't think her button was necessarily pressed early or anything, but Eyes describes events in his youth to suggest there is cruelty and sadism that sometimes surfaces early on in all the Blade Children. On top of that, to take a leap like she does...well, I would think Sayoko was in a state of mental chaos at the time. This was one of the most difficult oneshots to ever write. Dedicated to all the people I've spoken to over at minna-scan._

* * *

Mother learned to fend off the nightmares when I was small by playing recordings of the sounds of the ocean to lull me to sleep. If that didn't work, she tried in her small, pathetic voice to sing to me. She didn't think I was perceptive enough to see how she glanced at me apprehensively while she sang, her eyes betraying her guilty conscience. Beyond those few glimpses, she often stared directly at the wall or the blanket covering my legs as she gripped my hand warmly.

Mother never lacked maternal love for me, but the day she found me mutilating the bodies of dolls I had collected over the years was the day the distance set in between us. No matter how many times I called out to her, she treated me as if I had done something wrong. The situation was only aggravated when I took delight in threatening people physically – random people on the street, small girls in the neighborhood who tried to befriend me, and even the tutor. She dragged me to some laboratory in the city after it had continued long enough, and the doctors there asked both of us a series of questions.

"Did someone hurt you in any way?" or "Do you feel any sympathy towards the dolls you've damaged or the people you've threatened?"

"I feel like I want to do it," I answered. "It feels good to do it."

"Don't you know that's wrong?" My mother, who had always held back and never explained to me anything about why she treated me more and more like a stranger, finally snapped. Her eyes were filled with tears, and she looked absolutely horrified.

I was in such shock, I couldn't say anything, or look at her. I was so angry at her for never saying those words before, and now I wanted to hurt her too. But I couldn't hurt her – I loved her, wanted her to hold me close, tell me that she loved me, I wanted to _rip her flesh around her neck open and –_

"The curse."

And even the doctors turned to the source of the man standing in the doorway of the lab room, my mother letting out a gasp as he stepped forward. He smirked - not just on his lips but even in those cat-like amber eyes that had settled down on my small frame, sitting stiffly on the cold steel of the examination table. He moved a hand through his mint green hair while the other hand rested on his hip. He seemed so familiar to me, but I knew I had never seen him before. There was something I instantly disliked about him, but I couldn't bring myself to hate him either.

"What do you mean?" Mother asked, her voice quivering.

"She hates you. Even though she loves you, she hates you," the man stated, stepping closer and closer in on my mother, who backed up into the exam table in terror. He was still wearing his twisted smile. "She's one of the Blade Children after all. One of my seeds planted in this flawed, human world."

"So the rumors really are true," Mother said. She had been on the verge of tears during the majority of the interview and now those tears were coursing down her cheeks. "Even I was fooled into believing my child would be gifted if she were born with your genes..."

"Isn't she?" Those catlike eyes had slipped over to see me again. I stared back, curious and bold, but that only made him smile wider. "Isn't she talented like all my children? You were so proud of your daughter, Shiranagatani-san. What happened? Did she do something to displease you?"

He placed a warm hand on my shoulder, looking back to my mother. I sat stiffly, feeling contemptuous that he had touched me so casually, but unable to turn away from him. He was superior in a way that prevented me from lashing out at him, but it was too far a stretch to say I actually _respected_ him.

Mother refused to answer him and instead lifted me up in her arms, hugging me close in a way that washed away any cruel motivations I had toward her being. The feeling of her warm embrace was soothing like those lullabies and ocean sounds she used to sing me to sleep, and in several months I had missed that loving feeling. I rested my head onto her shoulder while she quickly left the laboratory and took us home, where she then proceeded to pack.

It was not until a couple of years later I would understand the details of the conversation that passed between my mother and that man when I was merely four. By seeds and genes, it meant that he was my father, though I doubted I was anything more than some sick experiment. And when I thought of it, my chest began to ache in pain, almost as a reminder that somehow, I was very different from other children.

* * *

I had stopped torturing dolls or threatening children since the incident at the laboratory, but it wasn't until I was ten that was when Mother finally explained who I was and why I had so many pains in my chest.

I looked in front of the mirror in our small bedroom after Mother left the small apartment to make a telephone call after she had revealed so many secrets to me. I lifted up my shirt gingerly with one hand, noticing the small scar left from having my seventh rib removed. Back then, Mother had thought that was a small but strange price to pay for a child prodigy just to have a rib removed. It was the mark that I was one of _his_ children, but it was more of a brand, and it made me angry to look at that scar and to feel the ache in that area. It made me one of the _Blade _Children. I yanked down my shirt, withholding the urge to kick the mirror in.

And all those instinctive urges to kill could be explained by _his_ blood as well.

"He claimed all his children would kill humanity when they grew older," Mother had explained right before she had left. "A lot of his followers were divided over the issue. I wasn't sure I believed it to be true until your behavior began to scare me."

My behavior had scared my mother, and I had no doubt it still did, but her maternal side could not fully reject me. We had moved away into a small apartment after the meeting at the laboratory in order to create a new life and start over, but I was still haunted by my heart's vicious desires. Even if I could suppress them, those longing feelings to lash out at someone and cause bloodshed did not disappear and I feared them just as much as my mother did – if not even more than she did. Was I going to turn into one of those serial killers the newspapers spoke of?

* * *

"Sayoko! Sayoko!"

I quickly dropped a folded paper in the book I was reading and set it down on my bed next to me before hurrying out of my room at Mother's call. She was sitting at the table, looking pale and tired. Lately she had been wearing more makeup to disguise the bags under her eyes, and even though she had always been slender, she was thinner than ever.

"Yes, Mother?" I crossed my arms behind my back as I stood near the table, waiting for her to explain why she had called me so urgently.

"Can you sit down, baby? We need to have a talk."

I quickly obeyed, grabbing the seat right next to her and setting my hands, folded together, on the table in front of me. Mother reached out and grasped my wrist warmly, comfortingly, and smiled weakly at me.

"I can't afford to keep us here anymore. So I've called your grandfather and asked him if he will take care of us."

I knew the rent and schooling were expensive and her work had been taxing on Mother, so that came as little surprise. But the shock of realizing I even had a grandfather took longer for me to take in, so it took a while for me to answer her. I had always thought he was dead or Mother had cut her ties from her family permanently.

"Is Grandfather nice?"

Mother only smiled even more – this time it wasn't a forced smile, but genuine.

"He's really wonderful. I ran away from home, though, because I was a follower of your – of Yaiba – and so I told him I had eloped so he wouldn't worry about me. In truth, I don't really want your grandfather to know that you weren't born legitimately. A few weeks ago, when I told you that you were conceived using in vitro – "

"I understand, Mother." I spoke gently, even though I knew I was still interrupting her. "You wouldn't want him to feel ashamed. It's okay. I'll say what you want me to say."

She used her free hand to pat my hands gently.

"I was a foolish young woman, who had a lot of silly ideas about the ideal man and the perfect family. After I let myself be used in his little experiment, I never expected that his blood would ruin your life. I only wanted you to be a successful child – without the pain of failing. You've always been brilliant, whereas I seemed to feel inadequate as a child. I was always embarrassed because I felt that my marks and achievements shamed my father. I was too disappointed in myself to realize he was always there for me, always loving me like a father should. I hope he'll forgive me for what I have done, and I'm sure he'll love you just the same."

I didn't like how final everything Mother said had sounded, and maybe she thought I couldn't put it together, but I suspected something was going on. She was thin and seemed sick. Why now, of all times, was she finally going to make amends with her father? I knew something was wrong, but I was too terrified to open up my mouth and ask her.

So all I could do was agree to living with my grandfather to keep Mother's mind at ease, even though it only unsettled my mind further. Mother had already resorted to bringing in tutors – a costly drain on her finances – to avoid sending me to even a private school, where she felt I might be aggravated. For the same reason, she never took me out shopping often. Sometimes she let me play in the park near our house, but she constantly looked around us, as if looking for someone who might be watching us. As a result, I couldn't walk to the corner store while Mother was working to get something to eat without looking over my shoulder, and I constantly glared at my tutors suspiciously. What if they were all Hunters – the group who had opposed Yaiba and insisted on killing all of the Blade Children?

And I wasn't a stupid child. I knew that's who she was always looking for.

But if that were the case, why were we going to live with my grandfather? Wouldn't they know where I was? Our last name would give us away instantly, wouldn't it? Mother had told me Yaiba had been murdered when I was five, but there were people who followed him. Could they also be the strangers Mother kept her eyes out for?

I did not want to be taken away from Mother by strange people, or to be killed by those Hunters, but I could not shake the fears even if I tried to tell myself Mother would protect me.

* * *

Grandfather's manor was surrounded by many yew trees that blew in the wind, tapping against the window of my room and my mother's room. Lately, I had stayed in Mother's room, gripping her hands and listening to the sound while always looking out the window nervously. Mother had fallen ill and her health was diminishing quickly, so when she was awake, I stayed by her side, and while she was asleep I always hid somewhere in the house. Every noise seemed to make me jump, and Grandfather often tried to approach me to talk to me, but I always ran away.

He was not unkind to Mother or me, but I avoided talking to him. I was afraid to let one of Mother's many secrets slip while at the same time, I was too lost in thoughts and fears to stand being around anybody but Mother – and while watching her wither away in her bed while clutching her hands that suddenly felt tiny, I was realizing how alone I was. I was terrified. What would I do if the Hunters came?

Those fears worsened the day she passed. It was a painfully bright and beautiful day outside, as if mocking her death. Where was the rain that was supposed to come down like it did in all the novels I had read?

I found myself completely alone, even though Grandfather still tried to talk to me. His own health was worsening by the day, but it was mainly his legs and his eyesight that troubled him. Sometimes he would look exhausted when he found me hiding in a cupboard or behind a bookcase in the library, but I couldn't stand talking to him.

Then one day, I thought I saw someone near the gates of the manor while passing by one of the hall windows. When I stopped and took a second glance, I wondered if it was just my imagination because no one was there at all. I must have imagined it – right?

No matter how many times I told myself that it was my imagination, I could not shake the fears that consumed me that night.

Grandfather one day told me I should go outside and enjoy playing with other children. I took his advice only to please him, but I was terrified and carried a pocket knife I had found in my mother's belongings after she passed away. If someone was lurking out near the gate, I was prepared to defend myself.

A shadow fell behind me only a block away, and I quickened my pace, staring down at the cement. The shadow kept up with me, taller and more threatening with each step closer – closing in on me and blocking out the sunlight behind me so that I walked enveloped in its darkness. I clutched the knife in my pocket with one hand, prepared to slip it out if necessary.

"'Scuse me, little miss," A voice suddenly called out and I spun around, stepping out of the way as a man jogged past me. The shadow was gone, but the heart beat in my chest was thumping at a rapid pace.

I was jumping to conclusions! The shadow had been nothing more than a jogger catching up to me and waiting for me to step out of the way so he could continue on – and I had been more than ready to stab him. And now, I really did want to stab something, to tear into flesh in anger and resentment. My mother was gone and I didn't care anymore about refraining from all those twisted desires that swelled up inside me.

I ran home, fighting the desires with the shame I knew my mother would have suffered if she had known her daughter desired bloodshed and was a paranoid _freak_! I ran up to my room, accidentally running into my cousin Kei while heading up the stairs. I locked my door and pounded my fists into my pillow, but it wasn't enough to vent my frustrations. I slipped the pocket knife from my jacket and began stabbing at the pillows and bedding, imagining I was tearing into flesh and ripping skin. The fabric peeled back in a way that was not satisfactory enough, but when I realized what I was trying to do, I dropped the knife on the bed and sunk to my knees on the floor, sobbing. Mother would be cringing if she saw me. What had I become?

I was a monster just like my father. Deep down, under the skin of a human, I was nothing more than a monster. I was no longer Mother's child, but Yaiba's Blade Child, but I never wanted to be that. I would not become that. Never.

I looked around tearfully at my room, to the closed French doors that led out to the balcony. The movement in my body was impulsive – before I realized what I was doing, I had opened the French Doors, stood on the end of the stone balcony, and leapt off.

My head hit something hard on the way down and I blacked out before I reached the ground.

* * *

"Sayoko? Sayoko?"

I opened my eyes softly and winced suddenly as the light reached them. Slowly I blinked until I could see a bright, white room around me and people sitting at my beside. There was an elderly gentleman clutching a cane and a small girl next to him.

"You're awake," the man said, sounding relieved.

"Sayoko, I'm so glad you're awake!" The girl said excitedly.

"Kei, calm yourselves," the man reprimanded gently. "Sayoko just woke up."

Who was Sayoko? Were they talking about me? I looked around the room, looking for someone else, but no, those people were only talking to me. I was the only one in the room. But why didn't I know my own name, and why did they know it?

"Who…are you?"


End file.
